How difficult can it be to find the right man? Where does one start looking for a halal man? Should I start venturing towards the halal butcher counter in my local Pak food stores? I am looking for a firm piece of meat and no scrawny chicken wings…
How does an independent cool, funny and curvy babe like me, end up still single at the age of 35? I am at my prime and I can cook a few international dishes… I cook a mean chicken curry with round chapatti without using an Uncle Ben’s jar. Should I add this all to my marriage CV?
My marriage CV –
Age: Young 35
Height: over 5ft. I am tall enough to ride the roller coaster at Alton Towers
Job: Full time husband seeker (Professional)
Location: Own space (bedroom in parents’ home)
Income: enough to pay for my own coffee and chocolate cake on a date
Seeking: A tall, handsome professional footballer – Tall, educated man with own house and has travelled to any country apart from Saudi and Pakistan.
Now, that my marriage CV is done I just need to start handing it out to potential suitors. I could don my scarf and my best churida outfit and stand outside the mosque on Jummah. At least I would find a religious brother who prays and makes my mother happy.
I decide to give speed dating a go. Who wouldn’t fall in love with me after chatting to me for 5 minutes? I am a fabulous woman in her mid-30s with loads to offer. I search Google and various sites to find a Muslim speed dating event. Being Asian, I don’t want to pay to attend an event. Who pays to find a husband? I find one in Central London on a Thursday evening at 6pm. Bingo, I can go straight after work.
I search my closest for a suitable outfit. I toy between wearing my best shalwar kameeze and a cute black dress that shows of my curves. I opt for black skinny jeans and a pretty top. I don’t want to look like I’m going to a wedding and want to be taken seriously.
I check my face, fix my hair and apply some last minute lipstick, hairspray, blusher and eyeliner. A girl needs to look her best when she might meet her future husband. I am amazed at how many single men and women there are in there 30s in London. The girls are really pretty and stylish. Damn, how can I compete with this much talent? I remind myself that I am funny and cute.
The speed date begins and I am told to quickly sit down and I have only three minutes to make an impression. Nerves kick in and my palms start to sweat. The first guy who sits opposite me looks ok. He looks like he had a shower and owns an iron and aftershave. He asks me my name and what I do for a living. I answer his questions in my usual one word reply. My suitor then asks when I’m looking to get married. I thought this guy is a bit too forward and must be really keen. I told him 28th November 2017. He looks at me in horror and tells me he has to go. Why do Asian men play so hard to get. Oh well, onto the next man.
The next suitor isn’t quite my type, but I’m thinking positive so hopefully he will have a killer personality. He spends the entire three minutes talking about himself and doesn’t even pause for breath. At the end he tells me, he thinks, we have a connection. The only think we have in common is that we are both human. Next please.
My final suitor for the day is a city banker who has a wide grin and flashy suit. He starts by telling me his name and then swinging his car keys around his finger. I find the whole thing distracting, but go along with it, as he might be nervous. At the end of the three minutes I have established how much he earns and what car he drives. All he learnt about me, was my name.
I am exhausted by the whole experience and ready to give up on my search for a husband until a friend suggests online dating. I have my marriage CV sorted so I can give online dating a go next week.
A fictitious piece written by a cool married chick